Emmy Martian continues her riff of the 1991 Dark Shadows revival movie pilot! Featuring: The world's first carpeted hospital! Now with even more real walking! Plus, more real doors! More real orange juice! And Lots of fake blood loss! And oh yeah, Barnabus finally shows his face and (Spoiler) graces us with even more antiquated house renovation tips!!!

Disclaimer: The producers cannot confirm that anything actually happens in this episode.